Today it hit me again.
Eventhough I am super excited about moving to Sweden in 10 days, I've felt a little down today.
For a reason that hasn't gotten to me for a while now.. something that came out of nowhere.
What am I going to do with my life?
I quit my study last year in January. I was supposed to become a teacher, which I thought I wanted.
Turns out that study didn't fulfill my expectations, which might have been a little high to be brutally honest.
I had been promised a lot, dare I say misled, by the staff on the 'open day' at the college.
When I found out that I was in I was euphoric, I couldn't wait until it started.. until it did and my dream started to shatter. I mean, the programme was very new to me, and I tried to keep up. I managed pretty well, I had pretty decent grades. Mostly 7s out of 10. But it didnt live up to it's expectations. I started doubting if it was what I wanted, if I saw myself become a teacher.. for the rest of my life.
That last part is what got to me the most, did I want to repeat myself and my courses for years and years?
I didn't, and I still don't.. And the danger is that I still haven't found an alternative, something I really want to go for.
I've seen some studies that I think would interest me, but I am scared to start something I might not finish again.
I'm waiting for a job that'll sweep me off my feet. For something that'll make me say ''This is it. This is what I want, and what I can do, atleast for a very long time.'' Is that stupid? I think it's a little stupid.
I haven't found something I am incredibly passionate about, or something that I am good at. I'm a little terrified that I'll never find that certain thing that I am a little better at than some others. That I'll never have that thing that makes me so different from the rest.
And I know these are worries for later, I should move first and then figure it out.
But it is a little scary, and every now and then this little monster pops up and makes my life a little harder.
And every now and then I will have to push it off me again.
And that's what I'm doing with this post.
I'm sorry for the rambling but I had to get this off my chest.
Thanks for reading ❥